Salma Hayek is a freak, and I’ve always loved her for it. Now she’ll actually play one on screen, by joining the cast of Cirque du Freak.Variety says this will be her first movie after having her baby, and she’ll co-star opposite John C. Reilly.The movie is about two best friends who encounter a vampire and a deadly spider while visiting an illegal freak show. They’re forced to make tough choices, and end up as vampire servants themselves. Josh Hutcherson and Chris Kelly play the two best friends and Reilly will play a vampire.When I first stumbled on this story, I was kind of hoping Salma would end up playing some sort of sexy vampiress, or even the deadly spider, but Variety says she’ll play the bearded lady… a part which she’s played before, most notably in the 2002 movie Frida. Wait, that was just a mustache.

Still, you might think it impossible to make Salma Hayek ugly, but even she can’t make excessive hair on a woman sexy. Frida left me impotent for at least a week, and that was just upper lip hair. I may not be able to handle a full beard.