The 10 Least Sexy Nude Scenes In Movie History

By Jan 19, 2008 Comment (1)

10. Angelina Jolie in “Beowulf”

Remember when all those crazy RESTRICTED “Beowulf” trailers of naked Angelina Jolie leaked to the internet, and just as everyone who never thought to type “Angelina Jolie Gia” into Google was preparing to go nuts, we soon learned that “Naked Angelina Jolie” actually meant “Naked Dragon Woman Thing From Rejected Pixar Film?” It’d be like if a movie came out billing “Pamela Anderson FINALLY gets naked!” and everyone dumb enough to be excited by it was treated to a CGI’d Pam Anderson-voiced unicorn character with rainbow-colored boobs. Which reminds me, I forgot to Netflix “Beowulf.”

9. Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct 2″

Perhaps the most necessary sequel in cinematic history (besides “The Whole Ten Yards”), “Basic Instinct 2″ is a gripping, powerful tale about the inevitability of human aging and the overwhelming nature of denial. Sharon Stone is thoroughly convincing as the never-acclaimed lead actress who foolishly equates credibility with being naked a whole bunch of times, but her doctored, leathery flesh merely symbolizes the hopeless pursuit of eternal youth. Unfortunately, I feel like the critics didn’t fully appreciate this biting, cautionary tale.

8. Shawna Loyer in “Thirteen Ghosts”

Shawna Loyer - Thirteen Ghosts

When HBO whips out the “Nudity” tag in a desperate attempt to trick your inner thirteen-year-old into sitting through more than two minutes of this piece-o’-junk horror remake, they should additionally mention that the naked individual in question isn’t softcore standby Shannon Elizabeth, or the acceptably attractive Embeth Davidtz, or even Tony “Whalec*ck” Shalhoub. Nope — nstead, you get to feast your libido upon naked, scraggly-haired, cut-up ghost woman! Can we make an agreement that if a naked ghost haunts someone in a future movie, they at least aren’t required to look like an aborted fetus? I think the movie “Ghost” gave me an unrealistic impression about how hot ghosts are.

7. Julianne Moore in “Short Cuts”

There’s nothing particularly unappealing about a bottomless Julianne Moore yelling at her husband for three minutes in this Robert Altman film, it’s more or less just one of the most straightforwardly non-sexual displays of nudity in movie history. In fact, the entire idea of utilizing nudity in films to serve some sort of artistic, literary purpose is thoroughly unarousing — nude scenes should only be used to either set up some sort of wacky comic foil (usually involving spying), to indicate which humans are about to be massacred in a horror flick, or to break up the weighty, layered dialogue in Cinemax movies with “Deception” in the title.

6. Lin Shaye in “There’s Something About Mary”

Yes, the withered, saggy boobs in this accidental peeping scene are props (I’m hoping, if there’s any gynecologic justice in this world), but so was the third nipple on the chick from “Total Recall,” and that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about her non-stop, Peter Griffin style, back when I was younger*. I guess the only consolation from this quick-cut startler is that by not seeing Cameron Diaz’s boobs, I can still argue my theory that her nipples are actually just shrill, laughing cartoon faces.

5. Holley Chant in “Event Horizon”

Sticking boobs in the middle of a twisted tale of hopeless, existential despair is a sadistic tease on par with, say, not sticking boobs in a movie called “National Lampoon’s Presents: Wind-Gust Beach”. This movie is so effed up and disturbing, even in my hormonal, “masturbate to scrambled channels that aren’t even porn” days, I couldn’t have care less about the nudity. Still easier to jerk off to than “Real Sex,” though.

4. Sacha Baron Cohen and Ken Davitian in “Borat”

I’m not sure how Azamat’s memorable quip, “Eat my asshole!” — shouted while literally shoving his ass crack towards Borat’s mouth — didn’t end up becoming the quote of the summer; while every khaki-clad officegoer this side of Eastern Europe was raining “Niiiiices” onto anyone within earshot of the water cooler, Sasha Cohen could’ve been doubling his royalties with “Eat my asshole!” hats, t-shirts, and talking childrens’ dolls. Also, I don’t recall seeing any part of this scene on any of the tv trailers for this film. Not sure why?

3. Theresa Wayman in “The Rules Of Attraction”

The unsexiness of Food Service Girl’s cut-up corpse being pulled out of a bloody bathtub still pales in comparison to the jaw-dropping implausibility of the scene itself, which represents a sharp peak on this movie’s upward-trending graph of being totally sh*tty. I suppose the suicide scene does balance the extremely sexy and even more believable party scene where completely naked college girls grind on costumed dudes, which, I don’t know about you, definitely reminds me of every single party I ever went to in college. Also, I went to Eyes Wide Shut U.

 2. Kathy Bates in “About Schmidt”

I thought we had a deal, Kathy Bates — we acknowledge that you’re really talented and allow you to be the one successful unattractive actress in a looks-obsessed profession, and in exchange, we NEVER see you naked. Ever. In fact, we should never see you with fewer than four, maybe five layers of clothes on, preferably involving some combination of judicial robes, bulletproof vests, and/or Hazmat suits. In fact, can you please play some FBI-judge in a radiation-filled courtroom in your next movie? Who’s also a beekeeper on the side? I have no doubts that you’ll be awesome in this role.

1. Lia Beldam / Billie Gibson in “The Shining”

The only thing more painful than getting kicked in the crotch is having someone deliberately giving you an erection and then kicking you in the crotch. That seems to have been about the only possible motivation behind Stanley Kubrick’s decision to include the “old woman in the bath” scene in “The Shining” — I realize the dude’s going insane, but surely there are cinematic devices which can convey this idea without sucker-punching the vas deferens of every unsuspecting adolescent watching this movie for the first time? Or at least have the scene jump cut before she turns into the old woman to a scene of Jack outside the door saying into the camera “wow, that was gross and surprising! She turned into a melting old woman! Well I’ll be!” Wouldn’t that have been a fair compromise for everyone?

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