I still had popcorn dust on my fingers when I got the alert.
“Jurassic World Rebirth hitting digital August 5.”
Wait—what? That's… in less than a month.
I was just at the theater.
The soda machine was broken. A kid cried during the tunnel scene. Someone in the back clapped when the T. rex showed up (why do people clap at screens?). And now? The movie's already bolting to digital like it forgot to tip the usher.
Universal didn't hesitate. Not even a little.
They've done this before—Wicked, Twisters, probably something else I already forgot about because it lived and died in the same three weeks. This is their thing now: 30-day lifespans for box office “successes,” 16 days for the ones that flop harder than a CGI pterodactyl. And Rebirth? Yeah. It's in the “we made our money, let's cash out” category.
So August 5. That's when it drops.
And no, they don't care if you're not ready. Theaters are just set dressing now. Real profit happens at home, on your Apple TV, next to your dog and your laundry pile. Theaters? Romantic. Nostalgic. But inefficient.
I get it. I do. But damn if it doesn't feel like something's being quietly euthanized.
You know what? That dino chase scene hit differently on a big screen. It was loud. It was dumb. I loved it. There was this moment—blink and you'd miss it—where a raptor slides across broken glass and it actually looked… handmade? For a second, I felt 12 again. And then boom—text from my friend:
“Bro it's already going to VOD lol”
Thanks, algorithm.
I didn't even finish digesting the overpriced pretzel bites and now Universal's like, “Cool, onto digital. Bye.” I mean… didn't movies used to live in theaters for months? Didn't we wait for them to come home?
Now it's: “Here's your film. Here's your receipt. Please leave.”
Or don't. We'll deliver it to you. Whatever.
Maybe this is just the cycle now. Hype, release, stream, repeat. No breathing room, no waiting. Just dopamine, shrink-wrapped and rentable for $19.99.
It's efficient.
It's profitable.
It's kind of depressing.
