Ugh. Fine. Fine. The new Naked Gun is 84 minutes long. That's… what, a grocery run with extra slapstick? A dentist appointment but with Liam Neeson doing… whatever this is? (Leslie Nielsen's ghost is either laughing or sighing. Maybe both.)
August 1. Mark it. Or don't. The BBFC says 84 minutes, which means—let's be real—80 minutes of actual movie. The original trilogy was tight, sure, but this? This is like ordering a burger and getting the bun with a single pickle. Where's the beef? (Auntie logic: “Back in my day, comedies had room to breathe. Now they're just TikTok sketches with a budget.”)
Pamela Anderson's here. Remember when she almost played Anna Nicole Smith? Yeah, me neither. Paul Walter Hauser's in it too, which is… good? Maybe? I forgot what I was saying.
The studio's probably patting themselves on the back for “honoring the franchise's roots.” Or maybe they just ran out of money. No. No. Just… no.
Anyway—what was I saying? Right. 84 minutes. It's not a movie, it's a vibe check. And I'm tired.
