Hhhhggggh. That sound you make when you've already seen something three times and somehow you're watching it again like it's gonna change.
Another trailer for Traction Park Massacre just landed—yep, again—and no, we still don't have a release date. But sure, we're getting a panel at Florida Supercon on July 19th, so… I guess that's progress? Kind of? Maybe?
Anyway—what was I saying? Oh yeah. This movie. The one where outlaw bikers, hot teens, and the creepiest twins since The Shining all collide inside a busted-up water park. “Action Wonerland” (yes, that's how they spell it) burned down 15 years ago, which somehow means the dead twins Otto and Emil Von Metzger are alive and now they're feral and chasing people through slides. Real normal stuff.
Kai and Bodhi Schulz (yes, real brothers, yes, they play psycho twins) just scream-laugh their way through this thing like they're possessed by Slayer and Pop Rocks. It's like if Evil Dead 2 and Killer Klowns had a head injury and landed in New Jersey. Actually, that's kinda perfect.
I forgot what I was even mad about. Oh—right. The trailer. It's chaos. There's metal, there's blood, there's a song called “Don't Cry For Me (Traction Park Massacre)” by Das Moöse playing over someone getting shoved into a kiddie pool full of what I hope is corn syrup. And Alex Skolnick from Testament is doing the score?? Sure. Why not.
But the thing that really gets me? No release date. Still. After like a year of hype. They're still “waiting.” For what? Mercury in retrograde?
My cousin thought this already came out on Tubi. I didn't even correct him.
Maybe this is how hype works now—scream louder, say less. Or maybe I'm just tired. I miss when you had to wait for things. Waiting made it feel bigger.
I dunno. Wake me up when it actually premieres. Or don't.
