Uhhh okay… what even is this? Red Sonja? Again? Did we ask for this or did someone lose a bet??
I swear I saw a thumbnail and thought it was a CW show promo. But nope—it's a full-blown theatrical release. In August. Like, actual theaters. August 15th. I had to triple-check because it feels like it should drop at 3am on Tubi, not, like, go on a marquee.
Anyway—what was I saying? Right. Matilda Lutz. She's doing what she can. Bless her. She's Red Sonja this time, all chainmail and vengeful stares, and yeah okay she looks the part. But everything else? It's got that gloss. That glossy fake battle dirt, that lighting that screams “we couldn't shoot after 4pm,” that “the sword is probably foam” energy.
Robert Sheehan is there being… Sheehan-y. Draygan The Magnificent (actual name, not joking) sounds like a Vegas magician who opened for Criss Angel in 2007. Dark Annisia?? I can't even—like. What are we doing.
And it's directed by M.J. Bassett, who's done cool stuff before—Solomon Kane was a vibe. But this? I dunno. I miss when you had to wait for things. Waiting made it feel bigger.
Also. Side note. My cousin legit thought this was the 1985 movie getting rereleased. I didn't even correct him. Felt kinder that way.
The trailer dropped via Samuel Goldwyn Films, and it's just loud. Loud and kind of hollow. Sword swings, slow-mo walking, that dramatic orchestral hit that's in every trailer since 2012. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be campy or just… undercooked. Probably both.
So yeah. August 15. Matilda Lutz slicing stuff in a leather bikini while Robert Sheehan monologues about fate or vengeance or some nonsense. Will I watch it? Probably. Will I enjoy it? Not the point.
Maybe this is just how things work now. Cheap epics that cost millions. Nostalgia bait for characters no one asked to come back. Or maybe I'm tired. Who knows.
